


At Christmas

by dollylux



Series: Fic Advent Calendar 2014: Brothers, Soulmates, and Other Such Sexiness [22]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bed & Breakfast, Break Up, Christmas, Coming Out, Demisexuality, M/M, Reunions, Sappy Ending, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 18:01:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2821223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollylux/pseuds/dollylux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared's family stays at a B&B for Christmas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At Christmas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mostly10](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostly10/gifts).



> Day twenty-one of my fic advent calendar. Prompt: forced cheer.
> 
> For Nell. Thank you for the conversation and enlightenment. x

He thinks now, looking around, that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

Jared had gone right from staying awake for nearly three days straight and cramming for finals and living on coffee and Pop-Tarts to this: being one of twenty people that have invaded the quaint little Peach Bottom Bed & Breakfast about half an hour outside of Austin. It’s an uneven blend of Padaleckis and Meades, his family and his parents’ best friends and their family all staying here for the Christmas holiday.

The restaurant downstairs at the little inn is crammed with bodies, most of them the tall, loud kinds whose last names end in -lecki, and Jared stands in the doorway in his hoodie, his glasses, and his hair in a messy bun on top of his head, his eyes swimming with exhaustion and his stomach mawing and empty.

This is the last place on Earth he wants to be.

“Jared!” 

Mom.

“Jared, come here! Stop standing there like a zombie and get over here!” His eyes focus momentarily and he finds his mom and his dad waving him over, wearing matching Christmas sweaters with a giant P on the front. Jared realizes with growing horror that they’re all wearing them, the Padaleckis in red and the Meades in green.

And Mom’s holding up another one, presumably for him.

“I left my tantō blade up in the room,” he says over the din of numerous conversations, and he turns around to head back to the stairs but his mom, in some kind of Christmas-spirited witchcraft, is right there suddenly, hand grabbing his arm, yanking him around.

“Jared.”

“Mom, I’m just really tired and I don’t know if I--”

Jared turns around and realizes that the two of them aren’t alone, that Mom has brought someone else with her. He falls quiet and averts his eyes shyly.

“Jared, this is Kylie. She’s Steve and Kathy’s little girl, remember? You two used to play together.” Mom gives Kylie a little push toward Jared and conveniently walks away. Jared looks up at Kylie now that they’re alone and finds himself smiling at her nervousness despite the fact that she’s stunning: big brown eyes and long black hair and a beautiful mouth twisted into an anxious frown.

“Hey, Kylie,” he finally offers, shoving his hands into his pockets. “It’s been awhile, huh?”

She nods, glancing up at Jared through her eyelashes. “I think our parents want us to get married so they can finally be related.”

Jared gives a sharp, surprised laugh, some of the tension easing out of his shoulders as he glances back at the table, finding his mom’s smug face turned toward him. He squints a glare at her.

“How about we have dinner first?” He turns his attention back to Kylie, offering her his elbow and smiling when she takes it.

He sits down in the chair saved for him across from his parents, taking the sweater mom hands him and pulling it on over his hoodie, glaring at her again when he pokes his head through and tugs his hood free.

“Not a word, woman!”

She beams at him, reaching across the table to pinch his cheek just as Kylie sits down. Jared smiles over at her apologetically, not really knowing how to begin to explain that he doesn’t really do this kind of thing, that he can’t even begin to think about being with somebody unless there’s a lot between them already, unless he’s so emotionally invested that he doesn’t think he’ll ever recover.

That he’s only ever felt that way once.

“Hey, y’all. I’m Jensen and I’ll be taking care of you this evening.”

Jared stops breathing.

He can’t look up, can’t do anything but stare down at the festive tablecloth in front of him, his vision blurred with an overwhelm of impossible emotions, his chest so tight that he can’t even try to draw a breath.

“Jared?” Mom’s whispering, her voice worried, hand coming up to cover Jared’s. “Are you okay?”

Everyone at the table is placing their drink orders, and it’s Jared’s turn after Kylie. His hands are shaking in his lap under the table, and he finally manages to lift his head the tiniest bit, glancing over but not up, making sure his voice is clear so he doesn’t have to repeat himself.

“Just water.”

He can tell when Jensen sees him, when he realizes, too. Jared’s face is hot, cheeks stained a damning shade of pink, and he wants nothing more than to leave, to run from this room and this idyllic little house and this town and tuck back into Chicago where it’s safe, where everything is big and grey and unknown and doesn’t contain even a tiny bit of his heart.

He can’t move. Just lets the moment happen, helpless to do anything but sit there, hating himself, his cowardice. It’s what he’s always hated about himself, what has him in this exact situation right now.

Jensen clears his throat, a sound so familiar that Jared has to dig his fingernail into the meat of his hand to keep from looking over, from reacting at all.

“U-um, and for you, sir?” Jensen says to Jared’s dad, his voice weaker now, wavering. The rest of the table orders their drinks, everybody quiet now, awkward because of whatever just happened between Jared and their server. Jensen runs away from their table as fast as he can, and Jared slumps over like he’s been cut from strings.

“Do you know that boy?” Mom has her menu open but she’s watching Jared, her ever-curious eyes looking over his face, searching for any hints into the story here.

“Yeah, I think we had some classes together in school,” Jared manages evenly, picking up his own menu and looking over it through the slight blur of his vision. “Lit mag and theater.”

“Oh!” Megan chimes in, hands clapping together. “I remember him! Jensen Ackles. God, he was gorgeous. He’s still gorgeous.” She strains to try and see him over at the server station, and Jared has to grit his teeth from barking at her to stop looking at him.

“Was he a friend of yours?” Kylie’s voice is quiet, thankfully, polite, just for Jared. He looks over at her before averting his eyes again, everything about him shaken to the core and absolutely unfit for being social, but he’s trying. He’s really, really trying.

“Yeah, we knew each other. Haven’t seen him in a couple of years though. Since the summer after I graduated.” _Since the night before I left for the University of Chicago. The first time we had sex, with each other and ever, and the last time we saw each other._

“I hate that,” she confesses. “Seeing people from high school. It always weirds me out. I’m just a different person now, you know? I don’t really want to talk to all those people again.”

“Yeah,” he mumbles, his throat tight. “Totally.”

Jensen is back with their drinks, walking around to each of them and carefully setting a glass down in front of them one by one. Jared gets more and more tense the closer he gets, and he freezes when he hears Megan’s voice when Jensen gets to her.

“Hey, you’re Jensen Ackles, right?”

Jared sees Jensen freeze out of the corner of his eyes, a glass hovering next to Megan before Jensen sets it down.

“Uh. Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

“I remember you! We went to Westwood, too. Do you remember my brother, Jared? Jared Padalecki? He was in your grade.” 

Jared closes his eyes when Megan points over at him, when he can feel the burn of Jensen’s eyes. He forces himself to breathe normally and prays to the god he doesn’t believe in to please, please get him out of here. Please.

“Oh, yeah,” Jensen says after several beats, his voice vulnerable, like he’s just as raw as Jared is right now. Jared swallows, keeps his eyes down. “I remember. How you been, Jared?”

Jared looks over like he’s under a spell, like he can’t help it, and their eyes meet for the first time in what feel like several lifetimes and he’s back immediately, back right where he was that last night, the very first and last time he got to have Jensen, that night that meant absolutely everything to him. That still means everything to him.

“Hey,” he rasps, tears burning at the back of his eyes, his chin trembling minutely but he forces it still again. Jensen doesn’t smile, can’t seem to manage it either, just gives him a curt nod and hurries through doling out drinks to the rest of the table. Jensen goes back to the head of the table to take food orders, and Jared tugs his sleeves down over his hands and stares down at his menu, not looking up at any of the concerned eyes on him.

 

Dinner is a nightmare.

Jensen returns to their table with a regularity befitting a good server, his beautiful, quiet presence shooting right through Jared’s resolve to act normal, into his forced happiness and attempts at conversation. They don’t speak again, don’t make eye contact, and somehow everyone at the table manages to not bring it up, even once.

Kylie seems to sense that something’s wrong, that there’s more to Jared’s story about the server than he’s letting on, and her conversations with him are a little more restrained than Jared is expecting, like maybe she realizes that she never really had a chance in the first place.

Jensen brings the check during dessert, and Dad and Steve spend twenty minutes arguing over who gets to pay it. They all stay for an extra forty-five minutes, well past the closing time of the little restaurant, Jensen and the other server sitting at a table together in the corner, folding silverware into linen napkins and not speaking, their postures tired, drained.

He come back when they all stand to leave, to go upstairs and sleep, and Dad makes a big show out of handing Jensen a fifty dollar bill as a tip. Even with his eyes down, Jared can sense Jensen’s embarrassment, his shyness bleeding through the quiet gratitude, and those eyes find Jared one last time, but Jared doesn’t meet them, can’t handle it.

He leaves first, hurrying out of the merrily lit room and up the wooden staircase, desperate to get to his room and hide, sort through everything he’s feeling and come up with something that will allow him to survive this week.

 

He can’t sleep.

The clock by the bed reads 1:19, and he’s been staring at it for two hours. He gets up when everything is quiet, everyone settled into bed with their spouse or their computer or a book. He tugs his hoodie back on over his pajamas, slips into his Vans, and makes his way down the hall and down the stairs as quietly as he can manage.

The air outside is cold, a welcome reprieve from the toasty warmth of the entire B&B. He sinks into one of the rocking chairs on the porch, looking out over the frosty green lawn lit by starlight and the slice of the moon overhead, the quiet absolute now.

The smell of pot cuts through the night air, tangy and green and delicious, and Jared jerks his head to the left, sniffing and trying to find its source.

Jensen is tucked up into the corner of the porch, curled up on the ground and leaning back against the house, a joint to his lips, the tiny red glow making his eyes glint eerily.

Jared gets up slowly, not really sure if he’s welcome or even if he can handle this in the first place, shuffling over to Jensen and sitting down across from him on the wide wooden planks of the porch, leaning back against the railing and facing the love of his life.

Jensen exhales in a long, slow plume of bitter smoke, his eyes meeting Jared’s as he leans forward to pass him the joint.

He takes a long toke, eyes fluttering closed while he holds it, letting it out through his nose in a long sigh. He takes another, smaller hit before he passes it back to Jensen, watching those lips wrap around the damp paper that his own mouth just touched. He shivers.

“Why are you still here?” He knows it’s not the best thing to say by way of a greeting, not to someone whose insides you know the taste of, someone who knows your every single secret and whose secrets you protect fiercely and you always have, but it’s what comes out.

“Live here,” Jensen replies simply, long legs drawing up to his chest. He’s dressed in flannel pajama pants and a big UT Austin sweatshirt, his hair messy, his glasses matching Jared’s almost exactly. He looks like he should be someone’s boyfriend, someone’s husband. Jared’s husband. He passes Jared the joint again.

“Since when?” Another long draw, held for as long as he can stand it, and another exhale that reaches Jensen. He remembers when they used to shotgun for hours, get so stoned that neither of them could move, their bodies in a heavy, loose-limbed tangle together. 

“Bout a year, I guess. Mom owns this place now. Her aunt died and she left it to her. I’m just here helping her on the cheap until she can get it up and running.” 

“I thought you were gonna go to school?” He motions down at Jensen’s sweatshirt, feeling the calming settle of the marijuana over his muscles, behind his eyes. He stretches his legs out, ankle touching Jensen’s warm thigh.

“Didn’t work out.” Jensen’s avoiding his eyes now, joint burning between his fingers, mouth shining wet with spit in the near-dark. “It’s for the best. I wasn’t ready, and Mom needed me. I can enroll again next fall, if I want to.”

They fall quiet, Jared watching Jensen and Jensen doing everything he can to keep this secret, whatever it is, from Jared. It hurts, knowing there’s something Jensen’s not telling him, something about Jensen that he doesn’t know. He knows he doesn’t deserve it anymore, stopped being worthy of Jensen’s heart the second he left town and didn’t answer emails.

“You look beautiful,” Jared offers softly. Jensen jerks to life then, flicking the cherry out of the joint and moving to stand up. Jared scrambles over to him then, catching Jensen gently around the wrist and keeping him where he is.

“Don’t,” Jensen pleads, his voice trying so hard to be hard, angry, but it’s shaking. Jared lets him go instantly but he stays close, so close that he’s crowding Jensen into the corner of the porch, and Jensen doesn’t try to move again, just stays there near him. “Jared, y-you can’t do this again. We can’t do this again.”

Jared can’t look at him, too near and it’s too dark and it hurts too much, but he closes his eyes and inhales, breathes Jensen in, all that pale, heated skin under his clothes that Jared has worshiped, has loved and adored and tasted and touched since they were thirteen, secret friends, secret, doomed younger lovers. He nestles his face in against Jensen’s neck, emotion rattling around in his chest, reminding him that this is important, this moment is important, that this could break them clean in two, could be the very last one.

“I didn’t mean to,” Jared whispers, tears hot behind his closed eyes. “I was so stupid. I was so scared and I didn’t want to leave you.”

“Then why _did_ you?” Jensen’s voice breaks, all of his carefully held resolve that he has always had, always been so good at maintaining, shattering. Jared presses up tighter, all but curling around Jensen without putting his hands on him again, his breath hot and damp on Jensen’s neck.

“I-I can come back. I can transfer. We can both go to UT Austin and I can introduce you to my family. I will.” He lifts up until his nose can slide right alongside Jensen’s, their mouths close but not touching. This is enough, for right now. This closeness is enough.

“You never wanted to before,” Jensen throws back at him, leaning back away from Jared, putting enough distance between them that their eyes can meet. Jensen’s are wet in the starlight, glinting bright and accusatory. He stands up then, tucking what’s left of the joint into his pocket and wiping his eyes off on his sleeve. Jared just stares up at him, his heart absolutely breaking. “Besides, you’ve got a girlfriend, right?”

Jared blinks, his mind too tranquil with weed to process this, to have the clash of all of this pain. He shakes his head, trying desperately to keep up.

“I’ve… I’ve got a what?”

“A girlfriend. That girl that was in there with you at dinner. She couldn’t take her eyes off of you all evening.” It’s strange, foreign coming from Jensen, jealousy odd on his tongue. They’ve said many things to each other, gone through so much, but never this.

“She’s… she’s the daughter of my parents’ best friends. She’s here with her family, and my mom thought she would try to set us up. But, Jensen,” Jared shuffles to his feet, unsteady on them, a hand slipping out in the dark to brace on the railing. “You _know_ me. You know I just can’t… I don’t do that. I can’t just date somebody. I’ve still never.”

He pauses, lowering his eyes, chest heavy with shame.

“You’re still the only one I’ve ever been with.”

Jensen is flickering there beside him, his breath audible and wavering from his throat, his nose, moon-caught streaks of tears shining on his cheeks. He takes a step back toward the door, and Jared takes a step toward him.

“You should go inside, Jared,” Jensen whispers, wrapping his arms around himself. “Go back upstairs. Back to your family.”

Jared shakes his head, taking another step towards Jensen and stopping when Jensen practically recoils from him.

“ _Go,_ ” Jensen grits out, practically begging, and Jared has never been able to endure pain in Jensen’s voice. He obeys.

He goes upstairs without remembering a single step, spends the night curled up on his side and staring across the empty room, willing himself not to feel a thing as he waits for dawn.

 

He looks like absolute shit when he shuffles into the dining room of the restaurant the next morning, not saying a word to anyone as he falls down into his chair. His mom and Kathy are there, and Jeff and his wife, and his mom turns over a coffee mug and pours Jared a cup, passing him the sugar without a word.

“Jesus, Jared,” Jeff says with an uncomfortable laugh. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Morning,” Dad says from the doorway, kissing the top of Mom’s head before sitting down at the head of the table and near Jared. Megan comes downstairs only seconds later, showered and fresh-looking, and Jared doesn’t say anything to any of them, just keeps his head down, stirring sugar into his coffee, trying to figure out how to get to Austin and to the bus station.

“Good morning,” comes a warm, familiar voice, and Jared closes his eyes when he realizes it’s Jensen. “Can I get y’all some breakfast?”

“Yeah, I’ll have some--” Dad starts, but Jared lifts his head suddenly, his heart racing in his chest but he can’t turn back now.

“Mom, Dad.” His voice is gravelly, strained, but he’s looking right at them, terrified to think of the look on Jensen’s face right now. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Jared,” Jensen practically whispers, his professional face dropped, and he looks so young standing over there at the head of the table, his shoulders drawn in, eyes wide.

“Jensen was my boyfriend,” he says after taking a deep breath, finally looking over at him, meeting his eyes as he continues talking. “We were together for… for a long time.”

Everyone at the table is stopped, paused, staring at Jared first and then looking over at Jensen. They can’t seem to look away from each other, Jensen’s hands gripping his little notepad and Jared’s clutched together in his lap.

“...Was your boyfriend?” Mom’s voice finally breaks through the awkward quiet, and it surprises Jared enough that he has to look over. “Are you not together anymore?”

“No.” Jared looks down again, practically curled over, chewing hard at the inside of his lip. “No, because I screwed up. Because I couldn’t tell you guys about him. About us. So I lost him.”

“That’s not why you lost me,” Jensen says softly. Every eye turns to him except Jared’s. “You lost me because you left. Because I didn’t matter enough to stay.”

“You _do_ matter.” Jared turns to him, stands up and walks around the table to stand in front of him. The whole place is quiet and Jared knows somewhere in the back of his head that this probably isn’t the best or safest place to do this, but if he doesn’t do it now, he might never get the chance again. “You matter more than anything. I love you.”

“Then come home,” Jensen begs, stepping closer like it’s just the two of them, their chests brushing, those eyes blurred with tears once again. “Come home to me.”

Jared can’t manage a single word, just nods over and over before he steps in one more time and catches Jensen’s mouth in a soft kiss, cupping his tired face and licking gently into his mouth.

He knows his family’s looking on, that there are probably several reactions happening behind him, but he doesn’t care right now because this is everything he wanted, this is a moment he never dreamed he’d get to have again. He wraps his arms around Jensen and pulls him tight against him, tucking his mouth right against Jensen’s ear.

“I missed you so much,” he whispers, holding him so tight that he feels Jensen’s breath catch. “I can’t lose you again. I won’t.”

“Jensen,” Dad’s voice cuts through, and Jared tenses, waits. “Why don’t you sit down and have breakfast with us?” He turns to the other server who’s texting on his phone at the station. “Hey, son! Get over here and wait on us. Jensen’s taking a break.”

Jared takes Jensen’s hand and walks around to the other end of the table, and they sit down next to each other, smiling when they pull their seats up, hands still clasped between them.

It’s a start.


End file.
